A Pause to Reflect

I update sporadically, I'm getting used to this fact. Still, five months after it happened seems a bit lazy to me.
I've half updated my map on google with the approximate route I took and what happened along the way. Dates and stories will come once I get my log book from my parent's house.

Anyway, I wrote this after my first or second day in Cape Vincent. I was feeling very alone, and very unimpressed with myself.

Well, I've done it. I sailed to Cape Vincent. And what have I found here? A quaint little town no more exciting than home. Less. A mess of shops and passing cargo ships reminding me exactly how out of place I feel.
Cassandra feels empty, like her soul left her. I feel empty too.
What was I expecting; some great miracle to give my life purpose? All I see is empty water. I see struggle and meaninglessness, because in the end, what I have done here is nothing. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to stop being. I only feel alone and helpless. I miss Shawna every day. I am happy that she has found the life she wanted, but mine is bleakness without her. I think of finding someone else, anyone... just to feel something again. But I can't. My mind and my heart won't let go, and won't let me abandon the ideals I hold to.
What ideals... if it's all meaningless what does it matter? I don't care anymore... Some irrational part of me tells me "get drunk, screw around, and die." But I know I can't, and I won't.
I'm not a pirate. I'm not an actor. I'm not a craftsman. I'm not a writer. I'm not a gentleman. I'm not a sailor or an expert at anything. I'm not a ruffian, not a vagabond, not a romantic, not pessimist, not optimist, not realist. I'm an aberration. I fit nowhere. My body longs for open spaces, my heart for meaning, my mind for fulfillment, and my soul for it's mate.
I want to be positive, I want to be happy. But that hasn't been me for longer than I can fully remember.. I can pretend, I can put it off, and I can block it out, but when I'm alone, or when I look off into space, my eyes are turning inward, examining what is left, or what there ever was... and I always come back to this reality, always to the person I am, and it is never who I was meant to be.
I can see the man I was, the one I was supposed to be.. he lived before I ever did. He lives still in my dreams, when they come anymore. I wish at times I could just sleep and live in that world I see. Shawna saw it too, and that may be what I miss most... my companion in life and in dreams. I miss living. 

 On reflection though, making it to Cape Vincent, and then on to Mexico Point and my home marina was in many ways fulfilling. I didn't realize at the time, but that trip built up my confidence in my sailing skill, my boat, and myself far more than I knew or imagined it had. I felt so very alone, but it gave me the courage to ask a pretty girl to sit and visit with me for a bit. It showed me how valuable brief meetings and friendships can be. And above all, I accomplished my goal. I made it to Cape Vincent. In five months the disappointment has faded, and left good memories and a will to go on, to do more. I'm in the pre-planning stages of a trip to the Bahamas next winter, if I can get myself, my boat, and my finances up to snuff by then. I remain hopeful.